I’ve been working with a Dr. in relation to an ongoing struggle with my health and my weight. Today, in discussion with my Dr. following six weeks of regimented foods and cleansing she told me what I should be doing in the next phase. Granted, I lost 31 pounds so something must have worked to allow me to get beyond losing and gaining the same three pounds as I have done the past two or three years. What got me, is when the Dr. started telling me how much I should eat and how I am woefully under eating.
Please, I tell her, look at me and tell me how anyone can say I under eat. The funniest part of this is that the foods I eat ARE healthy and yet I am not getting enough “calories” in and she’s worried. Okay, well. Since I don’t get hungry and I haven’t had a good feeling of hungry for YEARS, how am I supposed to eat more? I seriously am never really hungry and have only eaten socially or in a family setting for years because I literally can go ALL day without eating and not blink twice. For me, it’s a matter of I HAVE to eat.
Just to make it worse, in talking, we discover that I have deep seated thoughts about good and bad food and when I say that I don’t like unhealthy foods I really believe I don’t like them. I also think that my brain has been conditioned to think things like “cream soups and dressings are bad” and it affects what foods actually look appetizing to me. I can’t get my mind wrapped around being told to eat organic butter or ghee because I need fats and calories in my diet when butter screams BAD to me.
The whole point of this is that I am anxious about eating, I am anxious about diets, I am anxious about how to tame the weight giant and actually continue losing. But most of all, I am anxious because I KNOW that she, the Dr., is right but I just can’t wrap my head around eating so many calories without real emotional turmoil and feeling sick. Just to make sure you follow me. I am still overweight and have about 75 pounds to lose so I am not anorexic. I am, however, apparently as we discovered today, really messed up in my relationship with food and diet.
My little voice is really messed up when it comes to diet and health. In fact, my little voice has no idea of perspective about food, nutrition and weight loss. My little voice is a monster sometimes.
How can I reach calm when one of the most basic of needs for a human, nutrition, is causing such great anxiety in me? I have promised to try to follow the plan she has given me. How do I find calm in doing this?
Everything I see in the media, in my little corner of the world and in my household tells me that I need to get a handle on this. My little voice, however, keeps telling me that I am not capable of doing it. Everything out there laughs at me for not being able to deal with this calmly when there are so many big issues in the world that deserve more attention. I will agree there are huge causes out there that are begging for our attention. However, I don’t believe that I should even try to pretend to help someone else when my little voice has so much power.
People will be quick to judge and say “get over it” and even more so, label me as insecure. I say to these people that society has created our insecurities when it comes to our personal bodies. That society has created the issue, but it hasn’t readily offered a solution, just judgement. That society spends a majority of time putting people like me down and calling me weak. That society spends a good deal of time telling people like me that we don’t measure up. Why should it matter to me? I tell myself I do not care and most days I do not. It is my little voice inside me that is judging me that I cannot quiet. My little voice needs to gain some perspective on this path to calm.