In acknowledgement of the need to be calm and to learn to turn off, I took a step back to figure out if a commitment to something new such as this blog is truly in step with my desire. Powerless I started, and through self reflection determined that bottling up the thoughts and inner musings of this journey is counterproductive in learning to be calm. How does one remain calm when holding on to things internally, mulling them over, chewing and digesting them over and over? In order to let go, often, things need to be let out first.
Facing that truth, I stared down the fact that I must learn to let things out. In my world, that means not only sharing the good news but complaining about the bad in all of the ugliness that it is. And therein lies the dilemma of moving forward.
In the world I grew up in, we were taught that complaining is not a feature people most admire. Complaining was whining and it just wasn’t allowed. We learned early to hold things in and keep from bothering others with the little things. Only the older adults were allowed to complain about anything and that was only among themselves and their friends. I haven’t quite hit the age, or feel like I have hit the age, where I’m allowed to complain so just how to let it out?
I thought and thought about this and took some time figuring out the next step. (Okay, almost a month.) I’m a thinker, an analyzer, by nature. I’m also a perfectionist; which means that I must always express myself in just the “right way” and in the the correct, scheduled and planned manner most acceptable to my inner critic.
All of that thought and agonizing led me to this truth; nothing starts until you start it and nothing in this life will ever be perfect for the imperfect humans that we are. Agonizing and editing myself only takes me further from the journey to calm. There is power in calm, but I think there is a whole lot of work and imperfect attempts to get it that lead up to that calm.
It is time to start the work. It won’t be perfect. I won’t beat myself up if I go days without a visit or another musing. I won’t delete all my former posts and start over. I will take what comes, good and bad and work for the calm.