So, right about now is when I should be clear about what I’m facing in my search for the quiet and the calm. In order to put the whole journey into perspective, I need to acknowledge the hand I’ve been dealt and search for ways to minimize the limitations and maximize the abilities. I believe all success in life starts with honesty with self.
For many years, I struggled with feeling like I did not belong at home, in school and in my community. I always felt that I was looking at things from the outside in. I had a constant script going on in my head and there was no way to shut off the barrage of thoughts that at times made no sense and to the outside observer had no flow.
Added to this was the varying degrees of pain that I woke up with day after day. Every day, something hurt, something burned or something just didn’t feel right. Those feelings worked at me; limiting what I felt I could physically do each day.
Throughout my life, I have refused to simply accept what I’m told and have always searched for explanations to things that I could not make fit with what I knew or believed. After some time I received those explanations; ADHD and Fibromyalgia seemed like a bad hand to be dealt. But at least I could make a plan.
My plan served me well through muddled relationships, a couple of children and eventually two college degrees. But through it all no matter the solutions I tried, I struggled with the constant barrage of thoughts and shiny things. I just couldn’t turn off. I ended up with chronic insomnia, stress related headaches and various other things that tried to limit me and only added to the physical exhaustion I often felt.
I have decided that where I am is not the end of my journey. I won’t settle for things as they are. I still dream of the power of calm.
Here I am with a deck full of reasons for why I should give up. Each new card I get dealt is just one more thing that could limit me or hold me back from the calm I seek. I could take the easy road and retreat, surrendering to the hand I hold and accepting that the deck is stacked. I say, however, hand me the deck because I’m going to shuffle it.