I decided on August 18th to take a month off after finishing my MBA. Before I even finished, there were people asking “what next” and it was very tiring. As I contemplated earlier, why does there have to be a “what next?”
I know, for me, there will be a “what next” since I am never content to stop learning and stretching myself. Right now, it is not about the search for a new job or more money. For me, it is about finding something new, something “next” after years at the same company, doing the same thing and getting the same lack of recognition for the contributions I think I am making.
So, “what next?” I decided to take a month off and I meant it. I would not commit to ANYTHING for a month. No commitment to job search, no commitment to planning and certainly no more school. I just simply wanted to bask in the feeling of accomplishment.
As the month wears down, the “what next” is creeping up. I’m curious to see what this week brings. I feel my consciousness awakening and thinking about what the next stretch will be. Tuesday will be the day to enter the next phase. I am starting to feel a sense of excitement and a sense of dread.
I understand the excitement for an ADHD brain that must always be on and doing. I understand the excitement for someone who has spent a lifetime learning and looking for more. The dread is a interesting.
I believe the dread comes from that place inside of me that keeps wondering what the “calm” is all about. I believe in some small tiny way my mind is trying to figure out how “calm” and “next” will work together. I believe I dread a return to hectic and I dread the loss of what little progress I have made toward the calm.